Be sure to check back soon - new rentapal
stories are added when I think they are interesting enough!
Daniel is a 57 year old
suicidal Elvis impersonator/alcoholic dentist... He only drinks
vodka so that his patients won't be able to smell it on his breath. Makes me
wonder about this dentist I went to a few years ago. He put a temporary
filling in while a crown was being prepared. It hurt like hell and looked
like a wad of bubble gum. I didn't trust him so I went to another dentist
who was shocked by what he saw. It was so bad that he called in other
dentists to look in astonishment at my mouth and took photos. Something
tells me Daniel may be doing 'astonishing' work also...
Daniel claims to only drink in the afternoons (morning appointments from
now on for me) and claims that it doesn't affect his work. We met around 7
pm at the Telephone Bar in the east Village. His wife left him last year &
he's been depressed ever since - been losing his few friends - they are
apparently tired of listening to him complain about his life. He only
becomes animated when he talks about Elvis. The impersonations started as a
joke in college & now he does it semi-professionally with a
celebrity-look-alike agency on the weekends. Shows up at weddings,
bar-mitzvahs, etc. and sings a few tunes to the lucky audience... apparently
drunk, but he's playing the fat Elvis, so technically this is still in
character...
He booked me for 4 hours, but was too drunk to stay after two and a half.
All he talked about was how much he hates his life, how meaningless it is
and how sick he is of little kids coughing in his face and biting him. He
told me that dentists have the highest suicide rate of any profession. He
fell asleep humming 'Blue Christmas', his head resting on an empty glass
Carla is a lesbian. She hired me to play
her boyfriend... She is a 28 year old computer programmer who is gay and
still 'in the closet'. Her parents came to New York to visit her for the
holidays and she rented me to play her boyfriend. The plan was simple: I
would come to Carla's apartment around 7 and she would fill me in on what to
do and say. Her parents were scheduled to come at 8 and then we would all go
out for dinner. I would tell them that I needed to go away for business the
following day, so that would explain my absence during the remainder of
their stay.
I arrived at seven sharp, but was a bit surprised when Carla's mother
answered the door. Apparently they had arrived early. This was going to make
the assignment a bit tricky, considering I knew nothing else about Carla.
Carla came over quickly, kissed me hello & made formal introductions.
Her father wasted no time. "So, I hear you're a quite big shot on Wall
Street", he said while shaking my hand. "Oh, not that big" I laughed,
looking discreetly at Carla for visual cues. "Tell me, do you have any good
stock tips?". "Well, I mostly work with commodities" I said, hoping to avoid
the subject. "No kidding!, my brother works for Conagra. You must know a lot
about them. They're huge in the commodities markets." This was not an
auspicious start...
I fuddled my way through our initial conversation and we took a taxi to
Julian's, a Mediterranean restaurant on 9th Avenue. I played it safe by
slowly sipping some white wine, but Carla and her parents drank like fish.
They were all loaded before the main course arrived. Her mother was
seriously drunk - I counted at least 4 or 5 gin and tonics for her. She
dropped her utensils several times. She also was sitting to my right side
and kept putting her hand on my leg when she spoke to me. She is still in
her forties and quite attractive, so this was turning me on. Carla took the
lead for most of the conversation so I didn't have to do too much quick
thinking.
I excused myself and went to the men's room. As I exited the men's room,
I found Carla's mother in the hallway apparently waiting for the Ladies room
to become available. She held out her arm to block me and demanded that I
keep her company while she waited. "Carla has very good taste in men. You
seem like quite a catch." Uh oh, I had a feeling that this was about to turn
from a 'boyfriend' scene into a 'Mrs. Robinson' one.
She continued talking and put her arm around my shoulder. "You know,
between you and me, we always thought Carla was a lesbian". At this point I
figured she was either going to kiss me or tell me that she knew I was not
Carla's real boyfriend. She did neither.
Before she had the chance to say another word she bent and vomited on my
shoes. The evening ended pretty abruptly after that, and I think that the
mission was accomplished; but Carla, I really don't think you need to rent
any more boyfriends.
Noreen is an unemployed teacher thinking about
becoming a prostitute. I don't know if she was pulling my
leg or not, but she seemed pretty serious. She appears to be in her late
twenties, is attractive, well mannered and dressed much too conservatively
for a hooker. We met for lunch at Zen Palette. She was laid off as part of
the city's budget cuts and is feeling a lot of pressure. She says that she
was approached by a businessman in a hotel bar recently where she was
waiting to meet a girlfriend. The businessman thought that she was a call
girl, and asked if she had any time available to meet with him that night.
She politely declined, but the seed was planted.
She's been thinking about it for a couple of weeks and figures she could
get started on her own by running some ads in the Village Voice or New York
Magazine. She wanted to talk the idea out with someone, and since she
doesn't want her friends or family to know about this, she decided to bounce
it off of yours truly, Rentapal. We talked about the economics and legal
issues. I'm better suited to discuss the economics. She seemed to have
everything pretty well planned - just wanted to get some feedback. She said
that she will stay in touch and let me know how it goes...
A woman from Florida rented me to take her uncle to the movies It
was all going fine until he started yelling at the screen... She moved to Fl
6 months ago and apparently was the only relative this guy had in NYC. He is
in his late 70's (she didn't know exactly), lives on the upper west side,
doesn't have any friends, and never leaves his small apartment. She used to
take him out for walks and coffee once a week before she moved. She heard
about Rentapal on some blog and contacted me to get her uncle out of his
apartment.
She arranged everything and I was scheduled to meet him at 2 pm at the
big multiplex on Broadway and 68th Street. We were supposed to see a 2 p.m.
showing of Comedian, the Jerry Seinfeld movie. He arrived around 2:15 and
was not exactly apologetic. "what are you standing around for?" he barked at
me. "why didn't you by the tickets already?". I explained to him that the
Rentapal customer pays all expenses and that his niece told me that he would
be buying the tickets. "What the hell's the matter with you people!? who
ever heard of somebody paying for a stranger to go to the movies?" . I was
getting the feeling that this was going to be a short rental. "look", I
said, "If you don't want to do this it's O.K. with me. I'm just here because
your niece hired me. You don't have to do this if you don't want to.".
"What? She paid you already? So I suppose you're not going to give the
money back if I leave, are you? Well, what the hell can I do now? I'm
here... come on you're making us late!". He kept mumbling things while we
waited in line for the tickets. I couldn't tell exactly but his mumbles
seemed to be directed at me. By the time we got inside the theater the film
had already started. We sat down and he began to question me about the film.
"what the hell's this thing about anyway? Is it any good? Where the hell is
that Kramer idiot? What the hell are they talking about?". A few people
shhh'd him but he didn't seem to notice. "What the hell is this we're
watching? These people are morons! I'll tell you something, this world is
full of goddamn morons! All of you! It's up to the intellectual elite to
save this world. We better get to work! Nobody reads the Financial Times.
They read the Post! The goddamn Post! Do you have any idea what kind of
intellectual crap that is? I bet you don't even read the Financial Times do
you, Rentaboy?"
His voice was growing louder and people were now yelling at him to shut
up. "Shut up? Why the hell don't all of you shut up? I'm trying to watch
this stupid movie. What the hell's this about anyway? And where the hell is
Kramer? I want to see that idiot Kramer!". An usher cam and shone a
flashlight in our faces. "You have to be quiet or leave".
"Leave? Leave? I want to leave right now! This movie is for idiots!
You're all idiots! Let me the hell out of here before I call the goddamn
police!." As the usher escorted him out, he turned back at me and yelled
"And you - Mr. rentawhatever... You better wise up and start reading the
Financial Times and keep your nose out of the Post, ya dumb kid!".
The rest of the audience applauded as he left the theater and I stayed to
watch the film. Hey, where the hell is Kramer?...
Garvin is a 'serial self-improver'. He
spent almost an hour quoting Anthony Robbins.....We met for coffee in
midtown, where he told me about the big change in his life three years ago,
"I was sick and tired of being sick and tired!". He was overweight, drinking
too much and stuck in a dead-end clerical job. One night he was watching
late-night television and drinking beer, and saw one of those Tony Robbins
infomercials. He had seen them many times before and would always laugh at
them. "I thought they were for suckers man...turned out that I was the
sucker for not taking life seriously! Life will only take you as seriously
as you take yourself!".
However, the alcohol weakened his resistance that night. He ordered the
program and within six weeks had a brand new 'Master Plan' for his life. He
was so confident in his newly discovered abilities that he quit his job and
started his own website development company - before he even knew how to
build a website! In about six months he lost all his money and closed the
business. "You see I could talk the talk, but I couldn't walk the walk!
That's when I discovered Robert Kiyosaki. He put it into the right
perspective for me. He taught me how to build asset streams and reduce
liabilities." But six months later he was $20,000 in debt.
"I couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong. Then I discovered Napoleon
Hill. He taught me that the mind can overcome anything in the physical
world, and that persistence overcomes resistance!. So I just hung in there
and kept trying."
About a year and a half after quitting his job, he received a call from
his old employer. It seems that his former boss died in a diving accident
and someone at the company heard that Garvin was not doing so well in his
new life. His old company offered him his former boss's job. So, after 18
months, a dozen self-improvement courses, and the loss of his life's
savings, he was back to work in a higher position, making more money
He's still overweight and drinking, but the job situation is vastly
improved. "So have you given up on the self-improvement courses?" I asked as
we were leaving. "No way!" he exclaimed. "I'm going back to the Tony
Robbins course. I'm gonna figure out where I went wrong and do it the right
way this time!"
My eBay auction generated lots of attention from
the press
- and that generated some interesting email. Here are a
few samples... - "I want to rent you and massage your feet. are you
available for this?" (sorry, I'm not available for this!) - "this is way too
funny!! How did you ever think of such a thing? What a great way to travel!"
- Debbie - "Come on. Is your life so pathetic that you need to auction
yourself off on e-bay?" - Anthony - "This is sinful, you can't sell
friendship, the world is going to Hell and its because of people like you!"
- no name given - "Can I stay with you when I visit New York?" (sorry, I
don't have a big enough apartment) - "Would you throw me a birthday party?"
(this I can do!) ...In addition to these, I've received many requests from
others who would like to join Rentapal.com as "Pals". So far, business is
not busy enough to take on additional Pals, but that may change. Finally,
after reading the stories on the website, some people have asked "how can
every person who rents you be so crazy?". The stories I post here are the
most interesting ones. There are plenty of rentals where nothing too unusual
happens, but I don't write about them here.
Met with Noreen again. She decided to
give up on being a call-girl after one of her former students tried to hire
her... Noreen rented me a few months ago because she wanted to get some
feedback on her new career choice. As an attractive, laid-off schoolteacher
in a very bad economy, becoming a call-girl was the only viable option she
could think of. She placed an ad in New York Magazine and set up a website
with photos.
Over coffee in Nolita, she told me that her new profession went well for
the first two weeks. She priced her services high and got a few upscale
customers. It was in the third week though, that she ran into a slight
problem. A former student (she taught high school) recognized her photo on
the website and booked a session without letting her know who he was.
Fortunately for Noreen, she had adopted a safety strategy of always
meeting customers at a coffee shop around the corner from her apartment.
This way she could look them over to make sure they didn't seem dangerous.
She told prospective clients exactly where to be seated so that she would
know whom to approach.
When she arrived at the cafe and saw the former student in that spot, she
was shocked. He recognized her as soon as she entered the cafe, and started
coming toward her, smiling. She freaked out, left the cafe and ran home. The
next day she changed her phone number and took down the website.
She's since adopted a kind of Jackie-O look, with big dark glasses and a
scarf covering her head. She's afraid other former students may now know and
doesn't want to be recognized. "what will you do now for money?", I asked.
"Well", she responded, "I acted a bit in college and have a good friend in
show business. She set me up with an audition to work Disneyworld in
Florida. I'd be one of the people who walks around in character and
interacts with park visitors.". "Which character?", I asked. "Snow White".
Met with "M.K." today. He thinks that he's being
followed by government agents - which government, I don't know..
He would not tell me his real name, although he did tell me that M.K. has a
special meaning. We met in the Lincoln Square theater. He booked me to see a
French film with him called How I Killed My Father. I'm not allowed to meet
M.K. in any open-public places. He reserved the day and time, and told me
that he would send an email indicating the location 1 hour before our
rendezvous. I went to the theatre, sat down in the 7th row (as specified)
and waited. After the trailers finished and the lights went down, M.K.
mysteriously appeared. He didn't really tell me much about himself, but he
did say quite a bit about some grand conspiracy involving the New World
Order, the Illuminati, the Free Masons, and something about how the Bushes,
Clintons and the royal family are all connected by some sort of reptilian
blood line. I got too confused at the point where he started explaining how
the planes that hit the World Trade Center were controlled remotely by some
secret faction of the government (which government, I still don't know..)
He speaks so fast, I can barely keep up. Since we were in a movie
theatre, he whispered. around 10 minutes before the film ended he got up
without saying a word and vanished. Why is he renting me? Just to tell me
his conspiracy theories? What does he expect me to do about them? Who is he
and what does he do? Maybe I don't want to know...
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